Random Thoughts by C.B.D

The latest drama

2006-03-01T11:38:00.000-05:00

It looks like I can’t talk to Raven about this so I’ll have to continue to put my thoughts down here.
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Continued later: I had to run out of the office before I could post my latest message. My sister was in an accident and broke her ankle. Luckily it's not too serious. I was worried when I first got the call.

Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think I can talk to Raven about Oscar so this blog is my way of sharing my thoughts about this. Mandy told me she would give me more information if I helped her out, but I can't do that, right? But is there any other way to find out everything about Oscar and Matt?

Ugh, look at the time. I have to get home.

old habits die hard

2006-01-20T17:48:00.000-05:00

Old habits do die hard. I've realized that when times get difficult, I tend to shut people out -- to clam up and lash out. It's kind of funny that I even pulled it with my own blog. Things went the way I hoped they wouldn't, but expected they would, and I shut down. I guess that's something I need to work on. However, the "worst" that I expected from Mack and Raven was right on. The day after faux-Matt told his sister we're back together, Mack was banging on his door, as self-righteous and judgmental as ever, condemning faux-Matt and me. Not that I really blame him, for reacting the way he did -- faux Matt has put his family through hell. Hell, he's putting me through hell right now. But Mack is never going to cut me a break. And you better believe he told Raven. She's barely speaking to me. I guess part of me was hoping that she knew me well enough to know that I must have some sort of good reason for doing what I'm doing. I guess I was wrong. And at one point, I hoped she'd forgive me when all is said and done and she found out my motives...and we have the real Matt back. But now I'm wondering if I'll forgive her.

it's happened....

2006-01-16T11:35:00.000-05:00

It seems the thing I was most afraid of has happened. Last night while I was at faux-Matt's, Matt's sister called and he told her we were back together. I'm sure the first thing she did was call Mack who I'm sure couldn't wait to tell Raven the news. This is not going to be pretty. But the most frustrating thing about it is that I'm not going to be able to explain to Raven why I'm doing what I'm doing. I just can't risk that information being out there and possibly getting back to Oscar that I'm onto him. I just hope that when this is all over, and we have the real Matt back, Raven will forgive me for decieving her.

the charade continues

2006-01-12T12:29:00.000-05:00

I don't know quite how I'm managing to pull this off, but "Matt"/Oscar really seems to be buying our reunion, and that I have genuine feelings for him. I've always been able to hide any emotions from an adversary in business, but I've never bothered to conceal how I feel about anyone in my personal life. Well, with the exception of the women I've dated -- I guess I always kind of let them think there was more to "us" than there could ever have been. Should I feel guilty about that? I don't. Guilt is a waste of energy.

I am not looking forward to the people in my life finding out I'm back with "Matt." Raven wouldn't understand. But I owe it to the real Matt to find out what's happened to him. He and Raven are the only people in my life that I have genuinely cared about, besides family members, namely Mother, Aunt Simone and Terri. I just hope that when this is all over, Raven will understand why I'm doing what I'm doing, and forgive me.

I know that Aunt Simone and Terri will be supportive of my relationship with this faux-Matt, as long as I convince them that it's what I want. Charlie really won't react well, but he usually doesn't react well to anything I do. I sometimes wish Charlie and I could be closer, but I think there is too much jealousy ingrained in our relationship on his part, and then we're just such different people. I think we always expect the worst from each other.

I think that's enough pondering my life for now.

2006-01-10T10:39:00.000-05:00

I found out something new today. Matt, or Oscar, said he remembered something today from our high school days that never happened. I was testing him and he fell for it. I’m all but convinced now that I am right about him. I just need to get some hard proof so that Joe will take this case seriously. If he really is Oscar McBain, then I have to prove it. I owe it to the real Matt to find out the truth.

New at this

2006-01-09T20:00:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine filled me in on this online diary thing today, and it dawned on me that this might be a good way to express my thoughts on what's happening in my life. I have a lot going on that I can't tell anyone about so I'm going to give this a shot. I'll be back later when I have more time.